I'm no good at anything but comedy, which I think I'm good at. I'm absolutely no good at networking; I'm terrible at acting; I'm terrible at dealing with executives; I'm terrible at collaborating. And I say whatever I want to say. But I think I'm good enough at comedy that I can survive. And I don't really have an ambition for money.

It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, "How would you like to be a horrible actor?" Then you say, "All right, that sounds good. I'll do that."

We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and as so much homage reflected on ourselves.

Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.