Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.

It is better to be idle than employed in ill.

I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.

A proper disposition of time leaves a man at leisure in the very bustle of affairs; without delaying the attention of his concerns to the last or giving them unnecessary application at first: it affords a season for everything by affording everything its proper season.

The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.