Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.

In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is.

The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.

I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

I tried to make the punchline as close to the setup as I could. And I thought that was the perfect thing. If I could make the setup and the punchline identical to each other, I would create a different kind of joke.

The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.