Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.