I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.

A proper disposition of time leaves a man at leisure in the very bustle of affairs; without delaying the attention of his concerns to the last or giving them unnecessary application at first: it affords a season for everything by affording everything its proper season.

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.

Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.

Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.