Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

I've shown people Richard Pryor who've never seen him, and most of them don't like him.

Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?