Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.

Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.

I don't have to meet actors. I'm really blessed that I don't have to do all that horseshit.

Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.