I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.

I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything that resembled a joke, that they could technically call a joke.

Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.