There hasn't been an original voice in stand-up since Sam Kinison.

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.

Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.