Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it.

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.