You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

They that are virtuous from principle may receive confidence in every capacity; but they that are so from custom or habit, are capable of trust only in matters of ordinary and settled occurrence.

I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something.

Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.

Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.