You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.