You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.

I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.

I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.

All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.