Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are... You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time.

A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.

I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.

It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.