Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.

The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then another guy'd dive- Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there. But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that.