The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturbable triumph.

Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.

The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.

On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.

Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.