They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.

Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.