When government does, occasionally, work, it works in an elitist fashion. That is, government is most easily manipulated by people who have money and power already. This is why government benefits usually go to people who don't need benefits from government. Government may make some environmental improvements, but these will be improvements for rich bird-watchers. And no one in government will remember that when poor people go bird-watching they do it at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The forces of safety are afoot in the land. I, for one, believe it is a conspiracy - a conspiracy of Safety Nazis shouting "Sieg Health" and seeking to trammel freedom, liberty, and large noisy parties. The Safety Nazis advocate gun control, vigorous exercise, and health foods. The result can only be a disarmed, exhausted, and half-starved population ready to acquiesce to dictatorship of some kind.

When I left the Lampoon, I went west to try that out, and discovered that I hated it.They were awful people turning out awful product .

You can keep the dining room clean by eating in the kitchen.

I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes.

I'm a rather decisive type.

Everybody in 15th century Spain was wrong about where China was and as a result, Columbus discovered Caribbean vacations.