A careful reading of 50 Simple Things leaves you wondering whether you're going to die from environmental disaster or intellectual annoyance. Failing either, you can worry yourself to death.

Cockfighting has always been my idea of a great sport -- two armed entrées battling to see who'll be dinner.

Who, other than a crazy person, does anything besides hang up on a robo-call? Any call, any person, anywhere, under any circumstances.

All lies are told with a straight face. It is truth that's said with a dismissive giggle.

There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.

The old woman was not only ugly with the ugliness age brings us all but showed signs of formidable ugliness by birth - pickle-jar chin, mainsail ears and a nose like a trigonometry problem. What's more, she had the deep frown and snit wrinkles that come from a lifetime of bad character.

Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.