That happy sense of purpose people have when standing up for a principle they haven't really been knocked down for yet.

Guns are always the best method for a private suicide. They are more stylish looking than single-edged razor blades and natural gas has got so expensive. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time.

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes.

Maybe a vague president and an incompetent and somewhat corrupt administration is what the nation needs.

The typical old-fashioned diet (in the nineteenth century) was so bad it almost assembled modern dieting.

In the American political system, you're only allowed to have real ideas if it's absolutely guaranteed that you can't win an election

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.