That happy sense of purpose people have when standing up for a principle they haven't really been knocked down for yet.

[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

In the end we beat them with Levi's 501 jeans. Seventy-two years of communist indoctrination and propaganda was drowned out by a three-ounce Sony Walkman. A huge totalitarian system...has been brought to its knees because nobody wants to wear Bulgarian shoes. Now they're lunch, and we're number one on the planet.

You can't shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.

A politician who commends himself as 'caring' and 'sensitive' because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to do good with other peoples' money.

Of course, the humans in Haiti have hope. They hope to leave.

Worshiping the earth is more fun than going to church. It's also closer.