If we're free to do what we want, why does government always have a plan for us?

You can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism.

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

I bought my first house because of Animal House.

Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

In case we have to shoot Democrats. It happened during the Civil War, and it could happen again.