Not being a liberal, I have very little grasp of things that I know nothing about.

We're told cars cause pollution. A hundred years ago city streets were ankle deep in horse excrement. What kind of pollution do you want? Would you rather die of cancer at eighty or typhoid fever at nine?

When I left the Lampoon, I went west to try that out, and discovered that I hated it.They were awful people turning out awful product .

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.

Sloths move at the speed of congressional debate but with greater deliberation and less noise.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

The Three Branches of Government: Money, Television, and Bullshit