The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

Journalists aren't supposed to praise things. It's a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.

The free market is ugly and stupid, like going to the mall; the unfree market is just as ugly and just as stupid, except there is nothing in the mall and if you don't go there they shoot you.

I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough.

Anyone who thinks he has a better idea of what's good for people than people do is a swine.

The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.