The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.

Fortunately, I'm married to someone who's a pretty excellent parent!

You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.

There is parody, when you make fun of people who are smarter than you; satire, when you make fun of people who are richer than you; and burlesque, when you make fun of both while taking your clothes off.

One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.

Remember, FDA employees are serious about fear. We pay these people to panic about an iota of rodent hair in our chili, even when the recipe calls for it. FDA employees are first-class agonizers, world champions at losing sleep. When Meryl Streep got hysterical about Alar, they actually checked the apples instead of Meryl's head.

Maybe a vague president and an incompetent and somewhat corrupt administration is what the nation needs.