It was Ronald Reagan who used to say that the 10 most frightening words in the English language are, "I'm from the federal government, and I'm here to help."

[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it.

The old woman was not only ugly with the ugliness age brings us all but showed signs of formidable ugliness by birth - pickle-jar chin, mainsail ears and a nose like a trigonometry problem. What's more, she had the deep frown and snit wrinkles that come from a lifetime of bad character.

The second item in the liberal creed, after self-righteousness, is unaccountability. Liberals have invented whole college majors--psychology, sociology, women's studies--to prove that nothing is anybody's fault. No one is fond of taking responsibility for his actions, but consider how much you'd have to hate free will to come up with a political platform that advocates killing unborn babies but not convicted murderers. A callous pragmatist might favor abortion and capital punishment. A devout Christian would sanction neither. But it takes years of therapy to arrive at the liberal view.

Everybody in 15th century Spain was wrong about where China was and as a result, Columbus discovered Caribbean vacations.

You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.