Journalists aren't supposed to praise things. It's a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.

With the war in Iraq, I had the cooperation of the Department of Defense. Kuwait was pretty eager to get American journalists in there, to show us what a wonderful place they are, and what great allies they are to America, even though they didn't actually fight in the war.

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

Lampoon ran out of steam in the early '80s, and wasn't able to reinvent itself because it ran out of talent. People who wanted to do this kind of stuff could suddenly make $100,000 in Hollywood right out of college.

It's much better to have your arguments dismissed because you might be joking than to have your arguments dismissed because you're not telling the truth.

Wherever there's injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it's happening.

Apparently Bolivia is the key source of lithium in the world. So we're gonna trade the Saudis for the Bolivians.