In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn't. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times.

Dating is the social engagement with the threat of sex at its conclusion.

In the past a man was expected to give his seat on a bus to a woman. Today it would be much more courteous for that man to give her his job.

Money is preferable to politics. It is the difference between being free to be anybody you want and to vote for anybody you want. And money is more effective than politics both in solving problems and in providing individual independence. To rid ourselves of all the trouble in the world, we need to make money. And to make money, we need to be free.

Whenever government proposes to get involved in the regulation of trade, just be very, very careful about who's behind this proposal, what their motives are.

From National Lampoon, you go directly to Saturday Night Live, because it's a lot of the same people.

Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.