We're gonna be in a world of hurt if we don't get it fixed, because there's going to be billions of people out there - they're hungry, they're mad. One thing that they can get their hands on is guns.

Sloths move at the speed of congressional debate but with greater deliberation and less noise.

A cocktail party is what you call it when you invite everyone you know to come over to your house at six p.m., put cigarettes out on your rug, and leave at eight to go somewhere more interesting for dinner without inviting you.

Government conspiracy? They can't even deliver our mail and it's got our address on it and everything!

Each child is biologically required to have a mother. Fatherhood is a well-regarded theory, but motherhood is a fact.

It is important to remember when making jokes about women, that they are not a minority. They weren't captured on another continent and brought here in leg-irons (funny shoes, yes, but not leg-irons) and Hitler didn't blame them for Germany's loss in WWI. Therefore, you can make any kind of fun of them you want.

Adam Smith's huge failure was the fact that he did not foresee the industrial revolution.