Outsiders develop humor as a defense; why do you think most comedians are gay or Jewish?

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

It was the worst moment of my life. The producer came up and talked me back into going on stage.

My sisters said, Why do you make those faces? You make yourself so ugly.

My kitchen is not a place to live in. I made it white so I can tell instantly if it's not clean-and I like it clean enough to be able to eat off the floors-or the tables,for that matter.

Peter Marshall: A western saddle has a curved horn on the front to hold something for the cowboy. What is it?

As far as cookbooks go, I think Joy of Cooking is a classic. I've used it over and over again. Julia Child frustrates me. By the time you get all her herbs together, you're exhausted