Outsiders develop humor as a defense; why do you think most comedians are gay or Jewish?

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

My table seats eight, so that's my maximum. Having a small number of guests is the only way to generate good conversation. Besides, your whole house doesn't get wrecked that way.

I was obsessed with being rich and famous.

I don't understand why people don't remember my name.

When I said I didn't have a cent, I didn't. I used to get annoyed with people who said they were broke when they had five dollars.

It was the worst moment of my life. The producer came up and talked me back into going on stage.