I think my entire career path was determined for me when I was 6 years old, watching reruns of 'I Love Lucy' on TV and thinking about making people laugh.

I have a deal with a company that's going to do cards without the gum. I don't like sugarless gum, and I don't think it's much better for you.

I wasn't a great improviser when I started there; I'm not really up on current events. I would always just mug, just try to get my laughs from making faces. So I decided to do a character who should never have become a comic - somebody you would see at the Comedy Store and go, "This person is never going to make it."

I don't think Bruce Willis can compete with me. I have a much better voice.

Part of what I do comes from the fact that I don't know any jokes to tell. And when I do they're really flat and don't work.

I probably have become more infamous from two misdemeanors than probably anyone I could think of.

I call it... the hot dog tree, because... it's a hot dog tree.