I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.

If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.

Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.