I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

You know, in politics when you come in third, it's a win.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.