Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas