In the days when the nation depended on agriculture for its wealth it made the Lord Chancellor sit on a woolsack to remind him where the wealth came from. I would like to suggest we remove that now and make him sit on a crate of machine tools.

A gun is no more dangerous than a cricket bat in the hands of a madman.

Can you tell the difference between them?

I don't care what kind it is, just get me a beer.

They're a damn nuisance - I've got one in my bathroom and every time I run my bath the steam sets it off.

Young people are the same as they always were. They are just as ignorant.

Only a Scotsman can really survive a Scottish education.