In the days when the nation depended on agriculture for its wealth it made the Lord Chancellor sit on a woolsack to remind him where the wealth came from. I would like to suggest we remove that now and make him sit on a crate of machine tools.

British women can't cook.

Why don't you go and live in a hostel to save cash?

You're just a silly little Whitehall twit: you don't trust me and I don't trust you.

You have mosquitoes. I have the Press.

You could do with losing a little bit of weight.

Only a Scotsman can really survive a Scottish education.