My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.

My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.