My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

I still got my hair, I'm not fat.

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.

When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.

I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.