Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

My career has been my craziest adventure.

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.

I don't know if you want to see the Everybody Loves Raymond guy in a nude scene.

Whenever I get down about life going by too quickly, what helps me is a little mantra that I repeat to myself: at least I'm not a fruit fly.