I put myself on tape and the cool thing was that Martin Scorsese had never heard of me. He had never seen [Everybody Loves Raymond]. I was just an unknown actor to him. I don't want to sound conceited, like he has to know who I am, but that seemed a little odd. He's a film genius. He doesn't watch sitcoms.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

If a guy's ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he'll just break down and cry. He knows you know.

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.