I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.