I want to do well and I want to fit in.

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.

The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.

You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.

I lived at home till I was 29.

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.