I want to do well and I want to fit in.

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

If a guy's ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he'll just break down and cry. He knows you know.