Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

My wife said to me 'I hope you win... but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don't think it makes up for never saying it when we're alone.

If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.