Without identical twins, you'll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

I put myself on tape and the cool thing was that Martin Scorsese had never heard of me. He had never seen [Everybody Loves Raymond]. I was just an unknown actor to him. I don't want to sound conceited, like he has to know who I am, but that seemed a little odd. He's a film genius. He doesn't watch sitcoms.

I have this mistress: show business.

I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.