Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right. Some people are offended by mixed marriage, gay people, atheism. So what? F*** 'em.

I remember one review of The Office Christmas Special that compared it unfavourably to Dickens. What? You're saying I'm not as good as the greatest storyteller ever. Boo! Boo! I think I can live with that.

It's a privilege to be in such a great category of people and... I don't believe in God, so I'd like to thank dogs. Dogs have given me everything.

Blasphemy: a law to protect an all-powerful, supernatural deity from getting its feelings hurt.

Dear Religion, This week I safely dropped a man from space while you shot a child in the head for wanting to go to school. Yours, Science.

I think what makes us human is those choices - whether to tell the truth or not.

That's what being nervous and sort of out of your comfort zone does. It's the same in "The Office" when a black guy comes to the office and all he thinks is `I better show this guy I'm not a racist.' So what does he do? Only talks about black issues.