You are the result of billions of years of evolution. You will only live for a few years and will never exist again. Absolutely beautiful

I think, as a comedian, the funniest you can be is with people you know, and [whom] you've known for years, in a pub. That's as funny as you get, and so the aim [while stand-up] is to get that funny on stage with 5,000 strangers, to get that funny in a room where people shouldn't be listening but they are.

I never had a plan. I just sort of ambled along, doing exactly what I wanted every day of my life.

The truth doesn't hurt. Whatever it is, it doesn't hurt. It's better to know the truth.

We didn't evolve; God made us. So I just want to explain to you exactly how that happened... Some of the things you'll hear do sound a little bit far-fetched. I admit that. Then I found out that the other name for The Bible is The Gospel, so it is all true. Luckily, the clue is in the title.

When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.

A world without any lies at all is not a good world, because it's artless and because there are no white lies, no flattery.