What will it feel like after you die? Exactly the same as it felt for those billions of years before you were born.

I think, as a comedian, the funniest you can be is with people you know, and [whom] you've known for years, in a pub. That's as funny as you get, and so the aim [while stand-up] is to get that funny on stage with 5,000 strangers, to get that funny in a room where people shouldn't be listening but they are.

People confuse the subject of the joke with the target of the joke, and they're very rarely the same.

I no longer needed a reason for my existence, just a reason to live. And imagination, free will, love, humor, fun, music, sports, beer, and pizza are all good enough reasons for living. But living an honest life - for that you need the truth.

Some [people] are really smart. You know who you are. Some [people] are really thick. Unfortunately, you don't know who you are.

Growing up, the two things that made my blood boil were religious intolerance and animal cruelty. I’ve never understood it. I can’t stand to have an animal in pain.

I'd like to thank God for making me an atheist.