It annoys me that the burden of proof is on us. It should be "You came up with the idea. Why do you believe it?" I could tell you I've got superpowers. But I can't go up to people saying "Prove I can't fly." They'd go: "What do you mean 'Prove you can't fly'? Prove you can!"

When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.

America champions the underdog. We champion the underdog until he's not the underdog anymore, and he annoys us.

I don't believe in about 2700 Gods. Christians don't believe in 2699 Gods. They're nearly as atheistic as me.

We didn't evolve; God made us. So I just want to explain to you exactly how that happened... Some of the things you'll hear do sound a little bit far-fetched. I admit that. Then I found out that the other name for The Bible is The Gospel, so it is all true. Luckily, the clue is in the title.

The truth doesn't hurt. Whatever it is, it doesn't hurt. It's better to know the truth.

People confuse the subject of the joke with the target of the joke, and they're very rarely the same.