Stand-up is a real art form in itself and one that I really think to be good at you have to devote your entire life to. It's the really, really good ones that end up getting to do the things that I like to do: movies, TV shows, and stuff like that. It's a really hard gig and it just never called to me.

I don't know how this company got the name National Shakespeare Company, because it was literally like retards employing retards.

If it's January, I'm dead in three hours. But in June, I'd be hungry, but I'd make it out. I'd find my way without a map or compass. I say that with confidence. I can build a fire without a match.

This limited theatrical release was a nice little bonus that I never expected.

Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously.

I am realizing how old I am 'cause I am meeting so many people that were born in the 80s, which is crazy to me that I was going through puberty and [they weren't] even alive.

Once I found out how much an Off-Off-Broadway actor makes, I was whoring myself out the next day.