People moved in across the street and are immediately cutting down a huge tree. Their toothbrushes will know my buttonhole.

It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.

I can't 'make' you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.

With Twitter, you just want to make people laugh in their meeting; on stage, people have paid for their tickets with their hard-earned money, so I owe them the truth as I experience it.

It's hard for me to get embarrassed, but the things that do embarrass me would be if anybody ever heard my wife and I talking in our robust, made-up language.

My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.

On stage, I'm me. I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a guy, I'm a mess - but I am a cohesive thing that you recognize as one human entity saying these things that he generally believes.