People moved in across the street and are immediately cutting down a huge tree. Their toothbrushes will know my buttonhole.

The danger for a comedian on Twitter is the same danger that any civilian faces: sometimes you gotta put that phone down and go live your life. When you're on Twitter, you're not living, and if you're not living, you're not taking in stimuli with which you can create new material.

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

On stage, I'm me. I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a guy, I'm a mess - but I am a cohesive thing that you recognize as one human entity saying these things that he generally believes.

I'm a comedian at the beginning and the end of the day. I'm not affiliated with any campaign, nor do I generally find politics interesting enough to plan to be involved.

I can't 'make' you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.

It's hard for me to get embarrassed, but the things that do embarrass me would be if anybody ever heard my wife and I talking in our robust, made-up language.