Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

Elderly people, I have found, when they're being honest, are also scumbags, and enjoy a little prurient humour as well.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say “Yes” and hand me a chicken leg, or “No” and slap me with an old fish.

A long-term relationship is about showing up and working hard and banking on each other. If one's down, the other might be up and can help the other one up, and sometimes you're both down and you just [band] together. Endurance is a big theme of it for me. That might not sound romantic, but I kind of think that it is.

On stage, I'm me. I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a guy, I'm a mess - but I am a cohesive thing that you recognize as one human entity saying these things that he generally believes.

Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they talking about their favorite TV shows, or a particular brand of shampoo?

The best thing you can do when you're not feeling funny is go out and get more stimuli from the world, get out and walk around, read a book, go talk to some birds or a dog and replenish the well, as it were.