Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.

I'm a comedian at the beginning and the end of the day. I'm not affiliated with any campaign, nor do I generally find politics interesting enough to plan to be involved.

People say that the largest sexual organ is the brain, and I think the fact that they definitely amuse each other is probably the strongest glue in that relationship.

In high school, I definitely fancied myself an intense guy, which is so lame.

It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say “Yes” and hand me a chicken leg, or “No” and slap me with an old fish.

Elderly people, I have found, when they're being honest, are also scumbags, and enjoy a little prurient humour as well.