My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.

People who concern themselves with the rights of other adults who engage in consensual acts involving sex, love, and/or eating croissants together are damaged and in pain.

In real life, I am alarmingly boring.

Don't even FRONT like you love your family, America, or God, if you don't have a DETAILED & REHEARSED Black Friday tactical shopping plan.

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

On Twitter, I just want to make you laugh at all costs.

But I also know in standup, there's nowhere to hide. You get on stage and you deliver, or you are eviscerated and you are thrown into a pile of bodies at the bottom of a mountain.