My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say “Yes” and hand me a chicken leg, or “No” and slap me with an old fish.

Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He’s irresistible to me. I mean seriously, I want to pay less attention to him.

I hate wearing suits and ties.

I was an extroverted kid and performed, like, acting and singing. Then, the older I got, I realized I enjoyed performing things that I came up with myself more and I enjoyed making people laugh more than making people cry or think.

If you have an opinion on what other adults do consensually with other adults when they take their pants off, you're a weirdo.

Politicians, it's in their job description to just lie, every day.