If you pray hard enough, water will run uphill. How hard? Why, hard enough to make water run uphill, of course!

My dear, I used to think I was serving humanity . . . and I pleasured in the thought. Then I discovered that humanity does not want to be served; on the contrary it resents any attempt to serve it. So now I do what pleases myself.

When you're rich, you don't have friends; you just have endless acquaintances.

There will always be survivors.

But when they began handing out doctorates for comparative folk dancing and advanced fly-fishing, I became too stink in’ proud to use the title. I won’t touch watered whiskey and I take no pride in watered-down degrees.

There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.

Sin is cruelty and injustice, all else is peccadillo.