The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

Infants need the most sleep, and, what is more, get it. Stunning them with a soft, padded hammer is the best way to insure their getting it at the right times.

Most personal correspondence of today consists of letters the first half of which are given over to an indexed statement of why the writer hasn't written before, followed by one paragraph of small talk, with the remainder devoted to reasons why it is imperative that the letter be brought to a close.

The only cure for a real hangover is death.

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get out a new book by him each year.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

One of the great natural phenomena is the way in which a tube of toothpaste suddenly empties itself when it hears that you are planning a trip, so that when you come to pack it is just a twisted shell of its former self, with not even a cubic millimeter left to be squeezed out.