It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Infants need the most sleep, and, what is more, get it. Stunning them with a soft, padded hammer is the best way to insure their getting it at the right times.

I have often wondered how they manage to get return envelopes which miss, by one-quarter of an inch, fitting the blank you are supposed to return. They say, "Please fill out and return the enclosed envelope," and the enclosed envelope is always one-quarter of an inch too small.

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.

There is probably no moment more appalling than that in which the tongue comes suddenly upon the ragged edge of a space from which the old familiar filling has disappeared.

The naturalistic literature of this country has reached such a state that no family of characters is considered true to life whichdoes not include at least two hypochondriacs, one sadist, and one old man who spills food down the front of his vest.

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.