I can get dressed earlier in the evening with every intention of going to a dance at midnight, but somehow after the theatre the thing to do seems to be either to go to bed or sit around somewhere. It doesn't seem possible that somewhere people can be expecting you at an hour like that.

The knocking out of a pipe can be made almost as important as the smoking of it, especially if there are nervous people in the room. A good, smart knock of a pipe against a tin wastebasket and you will have a neurasthenic out of his chair and into the window sash in no time.

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

What is the disease which manifests itself in an inability to leave a party--any party at all--until it is all over and the lightsare being put out?... I suppose that part of this mania for staying is due to a fear that, if I go, something good will happen and I'll miss it. Somebody might do card tricks, or shoot somebody else.

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.