You want to go easy on the suicide stuff - first thing you know, you'll ruin your health.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty.

If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

I once heard a woman laugh at that most tragic moment in all drama, the off-stage shot in "The Wild Duck," and I afterward had her killed, so there will be no more of that out of her.