In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one

If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn’t make any sense if quoted as it stands. The average man ought to be allowed a quotation of no less than three sentences, one to make his statement and two to explain what he meant. Ralph Waldo Emerson was about the only one who could stand having his utterances broken up into sentence quotations, and every once in a while even he doesn’t sound so sensible in short snatches.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

You want to go easy on the suicide stuff - first thing you know, you'll ruin your health.